I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m a Type A personality. I make, live, and die by my lists. I have a whiteboard that tells me what to do each week and a planner that basically runs my life. And yes, they’re color-coded and require a legend for anyone who might take a gander at them.
But what happens when life doesn’t stick to the plan? Or worse yet, what if there is no plan, because there are too many variables?
That’s me right now. I’m standing on that little island of concrete in the roundabout wondering where the hell I’m supposed to go. I’m suffocating in opportunity, worried that once I do make a decision, it might be the wrong one.
So, I’m standing still and somehow edging ever closer to burnout. I can’t stay here forever, but I can’t decide what to do yet. I don’t have all the facts. And I know there’s a looming leap of faith, but I’ve never been very good at those.
On one hand I want to take the leap, I crave the risk and the adventure. But on the other, I don’t want to sacrifice the comfort and stability I’ve built over these years. But then, aren’t I just doing the safe thing? Nothing risked, nothing gained and all that.
So my mind just turns over and over and over again, chasing ideas and hopes and fears until I’m dizzy. What if, what if, what if, whatifwhatifwhatif. But there’s nothing to do, no way to alleviate these frantic thoughts, until after March. I’ll know then and the path will be clear, then I can pour all this frenetic energy into whatever course I’ve chosen.
But that’s still a month and half away. I need a distraction, and most days the novel is enough, but yesterday I hit a bit of a wall with it. Nothing major, nothing insurmountable. But I needed the distraction and it wasn’t enough. With the launch of both Kingdom Hearts III and Anthem just around the corner, hopefully I can sink some hours into those and find a little relief.
Escapism at its finest.