Goals Summary Wk 41

Hello Blogland!

I’m writing this before work, so my time is limited. Let’s get right to it!

Last week’s goals were:

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Madhu’s Chapters
  • The Steel Aramada chapter 3 edits
  • Start Sanctified chapter 29
  • Read The Stone Sky

How did I do? Well, there were two blog posts, including a Call for Submissions from The Audient Void! I think I actually pulled double duty on Madhu’s chapters last week, doing double the reading and editing, but I’m honestly not totally sure. I know I read at least 20 pages for her though. I finally did my edits on chapter 3 of The Steel Armada, which is proving very difficult to motivate myself to do. I also wrote about 500 words for Sanctified chapter 29, in addition to another 1800 words for an unrelated short story. So, not a bad writing week either, all things considered. I did not finish any reading last week, which is bad, because I am seriously falling behind in my Reading Challenge.

What do I want to do this week?

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Mahu’s chapters
  • The Steel Armada edits, chapters 4+5
  • Finish chapter 29 of Sanctified
  • Read Audient Void submissions
  • READ The freaking Stone Sky

So, a bit more on my plate this week. We’ll see how it goes. I’ve already read one to story for The Audient Void, and let me tell you, this is going to be an experience. There are a lot of writers out there with a lot of stories. It’s really interesting to see how different people interpret story ideas, that’s for sure.

In addition to the above, I also have some tumblr prompt fills I’ve fallen behind on, and my Inktober doodles to catch up on! So, it’s going to be a busy week!

Wish me luck, Blogland!

 

BZ

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Goals Summary wk 40

Hey Blogland,

So, goals.

Last week:

  • Publish 2 blog posts
  • Madhu’s chapters
  • Revise The Steel Armada chapters 2+3
  • Start chapter 28 of Sanctified
  • read The Stone Sky

Well, it wasn’t my best week, but it wasn’t my worst either. I did publish two blog posts, including the review for The Dire King. I got Madhu’s chapters done, and wrote chapter 28 of Sanctified. I only edited about half of the page I needed to for The Steel Armada, and only read about 20 pages The Stone Sky.  I did start and finish the White Night audiobook, though, so there’s that!

So, what about this week?

  • Publish 2 blog posts
  • Madhu’s chapters
  • Revise The Steel Armada chapter 3
  • Start Sanctified chapter 29
  • Read The Stone Sky

So, pretty similar to last week. But, I don’t have any obligations on Thursday, so hopefully I’ll get even more done!

I’ll be back later this week with the review for White Night. Until then, Blogland!

 

BZ

 

P.S. here’s a picture I drew for Mass Effect Inktober on Tumblr.  Enjoy my terrible artwork!

Inktober Thresher Maw

This one is my favorite so far.

Goals Summary Wk 39

Hi Blogland!

For the first time in over 6 months, I am here to share my goals with you all! It feels so good!

So, what did I set out to do last week? As follows, according to my whiteboard:

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Madhu’s chapter revisions
  • Implement TSA chapter 1 revisions
  • Finish Sanctified chapter 27
  • Apply for position at a nearby library

And… moment of truth. How did I do?

I published two blog posts, including the book review for Proven Guilty. I not only got Madhu her revisions, but also helped her prep her query letter and a fellowship application. I implemented her suggestions and revisions for The Steel Armada chapter 1, and it’s much stronger for it.  I also finished chapter 27 of my fanfic, which allowed me to post chapter 25! And I applied for that job!

So, first week back in the game and I got everything done!!! I am doing happy dances over here, just so you know.

Now, what’s the goal this week?

IMG_20171001_213448

Exhibit A of “I Cannot Draw”

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Madhu’s chapter revisions
  • Implement TSA chapters 2+3 revisions
  • Finish reading The Stone Sky
  • Start Sanctified Chapter 28

In addition to the above I have some Audient Void business this week (issue #4 is out now!), as well a month-long doodle challenge on Tumblr. I cannot draw to save my life, but it’s proving fun so far.  I also need to think about NaNo WriMo and what I’m going to do for that. If I can get Sanctified finished by then, it would really help me refocus on From the Quorum, which is the project I’d like to work on for NaNo. But, we’ll see. I’ve got this month to write about 5 chapters and get this fanfic wrapped up.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve got going on for now. Should that change, be sure you’ll hear all about it. I’ll see you soon with a book review for William Ritter’s The Dire King, the final book in his Jackaby series.

Until then, Blogland,

 

BZ

If I’m Being Honest

Okay. I’m here. I’m back in my office and I’ve updated my whiteboard for the first time in over a month. And I have to say, it feels really good. I’ve been out of sorts for months now, really since March. I have learned that I am a creature of habit, more so than I already acknowledged, and this summer has put forth a concerted effort to keep me from doing anything in any semblance of routine.

Week-long video game binges, my husband lost his job, two of my biggest music icons took their own lives, my best friend almost died, and then we had extended house guests for the first time in my life. Coupled with applying, interviewing, and being denied two full time positions at my work and really I’m just a ball of rubber-bands stretched too tight: one has got to snap eventually.

I think the only thing that kept me from snapping was all the fanfic I wrote, and the friends I made on tumblr because of it. Since mid-April, I’ve written 168,799 words of fanfiction. Just… let that number sink in. 168 THOUSAND 799 words.

Of fanfiction.

I’m still trying to convince myself that’s okay. Anyone I talk to in my personal life or online seems to find it incredible and awesome. Thanks guys! But, my writer brain is still royally pissed that all that effort and output went to fanfiction.

But, if I’m 100% honest, I really LOVED writing it, and I fully intend to finish it before the end of the year. Also, I’m going to continue to write small prompts and drabbles, because they are fun, and I need writing to be fun still. Also, this year has shown me that I am absolutely capable of writing a novel in a month (if it’s a short one).

I’m not good at being honest with others when it comes to my mental health. I internalize everything, and I am usually the “solid” person in my circle of friends. I give advice and keep my shit together. So, when I start to break under pressure, or when my mind is trying to sabotage me, I don’t feel like I have anyone to tell, other than my husband. And even then, he had just as tough a summer as I did so it was easy to convince myself not to make things harder on him by being completely honest. So, I drop hints that I’m not feeling myself, to which he’s receptive, and we commiserate about our mild depression.

Meanwhile, I’m feeling isolated, raw, and like a useless piece of shit. And it’s all my own fault. I know it is. I could just talk to someone, and feel one hundred times better. I KNOW this. And now I understand why so many people never suspect the depths of their loved ones’ depression, why so many suicides are so shocking. Because, you can KNOW what you need to do to fix things, to make yourself feel better, and it doesn’t matter. You can know it, but you’re powerless to either find the right words, or time, or simply the energy to bring it up.

I want to note that, the fact that I’m here, talking about this means I’m feeling much better and am confident that I am on the path to getting back to my old self. I also want to state that at no point this summer did I contemplate any sort of self-harm. I was/am depressed, for the first time in a way that was recognizable to me, and that has shone a light on what it must be like to battle these feelings constantly. I understand now, in my own small way, how exhausting it must be and how incredibly lonely, even if you’re good at putting on a brave face and doing things to convince others you’re okay.

I understand, and I’m so sorry anyone has to put up with these constant feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, and loneliness. And I know that, for many people, it doesn’t end. There doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, where someday you’ll feel good again and actually want to do something productive with your time.

And I’m so sorry, I wish I knew better how to help.

But, I’m seeing that light now, and I’m gifted days of incredible output and energy. I fully intend to make good on them.

So, later this week I will be back to talk about Proven Guilty. I’ve made some goals for the rest of the week, and if they go well, I’ll be back on Monday to do a goals summary for the first time in over six months!

Until then, Blogland,

 

BZ

I’m Back?

I think. It feels like it. I’m reading again, which is reflected on Goodreads and on my “What I’m  Reading” page.  I wrote the majority of an original short story the other day, and I’m still plugging away at my fanfiction. I’m ready to bring the plot points together and wrap it up.

I think.

There’s still a lot do for that story, but I feel good about it. Plus, my brain actually wants to start working on other projects again, so I need to finish this one.

Several books I’ve been waiting for come out in the coming months, and I can’t wait to read them all!  I’ll post book reviews when relevant.

So, don’t expect me to post with quite the frequency I did before, but suspect that I will be around. Hopefully I’ll finish Dead Beat this week, and can have a book review up for it some time next week!

Thank you to everyone that still reads this blog, even though I went AWOL for four months. I appreciate you.

Talk at you all soon!

 

BZ

Wait… I Wrote How Much?

Hi guys!

I just wanted to stop by and share something pretty incredible with you.

So, remember when I said I was reading and writing a ton of fanfiction? Well, that trend continued through the month of April. I’m pretty sure I just wrote more words in a month than I ever have before.

As of 4/30/17, I wrote a total of 31,113 words. Of fanfiction. Jesus Christ. That is a TON of writing, the most I’ve ever done in so short a time. I’m simultaneously impressed and disgusted/disappointed. Why haven’t I pumped out so many words for my own original content?

Granted, fanfic is “easier” since there’s very little world-building or slogging through early character development. That’s mostly done by the time you get your hands on the content.  I mean, you should still have those things, but the amount of discovering and fleshing out are considerably less. Which is the vast majority of work I’ve been doing on From the Quorum.

So, in a way, this has been a nice exercise. One that  I have no plans of stopping anytime soon. I’ve got another 3 chapters (at least) to write for this particular story, a oneshot (i.e. short story) outlined, and then another full fic planned after that.

But, if I can keep up this pace, that means I should be able to fall back into my own original works once Mass Effect lets me go. Right? That’s what I’m telling myself, anyways.

Saturday was the release party for the third issue of The Audient Void, and it was awesome. There is some really great fiction and poetry in this issue, and the artwork is fantastic as always. The event coincided with Independent Bookstore Day, which meant there were a lot of people there who might not have attended otherwise, and there were snacks and extra special merchandise on hand.

Oh! There was also a cool marionette show, with an original play by Adam Bolivar, that was really quite entertaining!Jack o lantern

But, my favorite part of the event (aside from the customary after party) was that I thought up a new story while I was there. Just a short story, and I won’t go into details about it here, but I hope to write it this year and submit it to the A.V.

We’ll see where I’m at in a few months. If I’m still writing at the pace I am now, I have no doubt I’ll get everything done that I set out to this year, even with this detour. Remember, I planned to fall off the face of the Earth for about two months after  Andromeda came out, so I’m still on schedule.

Anyway, just wanted to share with you all that I am a writing machine these days, even if it’s just fanfic.

See you around,

 

BZ

Well, Hello There!

Hi Blogland,

Huh. It feels kind of weird to be back. I’m still not promising anything, or even pretending I’m back in any sort of routine. I’m not. I still play Mass Effect just about every day, and I’m reading (and writing) way more fanfiction than I ought to.

But, I thought about From the Quorum for the first time in a month the other day. I call that progress. I also felt a pang of guilt/longing for The Steel Armada. We’re getting there.

The whole point of this was to keep me from falling into the spiral of guilt that I normally feel when I hyper-focus on something. When I start feeling guilty for doing things that I enjoy, I tend to further procrastinate the tasks I’ve sacrificed in order to hyper-focus in the first place.

Right now, I tell myself that writing fanfiction is better than not writing at all. And since I’ve put over 6k words into this one fic just in April, I’d say that’s damn good.

Also, The Audient Void #3 is out! Get you one! Available at the Book Bin in downtown Salem, or online at their Facebook page.

My reading has seriously slowed, but a steady stream of fanfiction keeps me going. I fully intend to pick things back up sometime in May. I promise. Pinky swear. All that good stuff.

Also, I wanted to mention that I’ve applied for another full time position with the library. I know better than to assume anything at this point, but I’ve learned a lot in the last 9ish months since my last interview with the city, and I have a lot more confidence in myself than I did even four months ago. Keep your fingers crossed for me just the same, huh?

Thanks for sticking with me through this gaming fog. The fact that I’ve come up for air is promising. I look forward to talking at you all on a regular basis again soon.

 

BZ