Goals Summary 2019 – Wk #43

Another quick week. I feel like I got a ton of work done, both in the library and in writing, and I had an awesome weekend celebrating my BFF’s 30th birthday.  A whirlwind week to be sure.

Last Week:

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Revise two chapters of Exodus
  • Read a short story

How’d I do?

  • Publish two blog posts
    • Nope.
  • Revise two chapters of Exodus
    • Yes! And then some. More on that below.
  • Read a short stor
    • Yep. I read a few out of Kameron Hurley’s new collection before I had to return it.

Weekly Word Count: 119

That’s more words than I expected since I was editing, but I feel good about the changes made. So good, in fact, that I kept revising until suddenly there were no chapters left to edit. I submitted the story to my preferred market for it last night!

Social activities took up the bulk of my weekend, which for once was exactly what I wanted. We sang karaoke, went to a pumpkin patch, and played video games with friends. It was a nice, relaxing fall weekend.

I’m not reading as much as I ought to these days, but I’ve been playing some video games and catching up on Letterkenny and the Great British Bake Off.

But, the big news, the news I’ve been skirting around this whole blog post is… The Cost of Rain has been ACCEPTED! I’ve signed the contract so now it’s just a waiting game until it’s published. I’ll have more details the closer we get to the publication date, I pinky promise.

So, What’s Next?

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Begin outlining/brainstorming for Nanowrimo
  • Read something!

Keeping it simple this week. I’m ahead of my goals for this month, writing-wise, so I have every excuse to take it a little easier this week. Besides, I can use this “down-time” to let my Nano project marinate and start coming together. I’ve built the playlist, which is always a great first step. Now to see where that takes me.

I read a graphic novel last night, and have two more I’m in various stages with. I’d like to get them each done this week, plus start my book club book and read at least one short story. I’m WAY behind on my reading goal, but that’s no excuse not to read as much as I can.

I’m battling some serious Dragon Age cravings right now, which is why I’m reading the graphic novels and eyeballing the novel tie-ins right now. I think another announcement about the next game will be coming out in the next month or so and I am so freaking excited it’s ridiculous. So I read things and wildly theorize and wait.

So, you know. Reading, writing, gaming, lather. rinse. repeat. I don’t know if I’ll be back on the blog this week. I don’t have a book review for you, but if I think of anything else to chat about, I’ll be here.

Til then, Bloggos.

 

BZ

The Recap – July 2019

July is a blur. Not even a blur, really. More a collection of images stamped in my brain, flashes of days spent wallowing and letting myself off the hook for my lack of productivity. I read a lot, watched a lot of TV, and played a lot of video games. I gave myself permission to immerse myself in the misery of sudden, unexpected unemployment.

Not my finest month, by any stretch.

July Goals

  • Polish Exodus: Descent
  • Continue short story submissions
  • Read one short story a week
  • Finish Whale Song rough draft
  • Keep reading!

How’d I do?

  • Polish Exodus: Descent
    • Narp. I did revise one chapter, but there’s like, eight of them, so… not what we’d call a success.
  • Continue short story submissions
    • Yes. I at least didn’t allow my complete lack of motivation keep my stories from getting work done. All three are still out.
  • Read one short story a week
    • Nope. I did read two from Transcendent 2 though.
  • Finish Whale Song rough draft
    • Nope. I did make some great progress, all things considered. Maybe about halfway? I’m calling it Whales in my head, but the actual title is The Lament of Kivu Lacus.
  • Keep reading!
    • Yes! I at least managed to do this! I read six titles in July, most of them Nonfiction about running libraries. But it’s still reading! I did a thing!

Monthly Word Count: 1,720

I’m working really hard not to be too critical of myself for this past month. When I look at all the inconsistency, how I ghosted on the blog a couple of times, how I couldn’t rely on myself to put my ass in the chair and get work done… it feels bad. My office door was closed most of this month, and almost all of my computing happened from the couch. Granted, some of that was fiction writing, but still. It feels gross.

But, I also know that summer is not a great time for me, historically. I’ve never been let go from a job before, let alone one that meant so much to me, and it was a serious blow to my self-esteem. Which is ridiculous since it was a city-wide layoff. But, my brain can tell me how ridiculous I’m being all damn day, my heart won’t hear it. At least not until it’s wallowed and had entirely too much ice cream.

Stomachaches provide clarity, apparently.

So, what did I do all month? I read a lot, taking notes, planning displays and programs, planting seeds for some networking, and doing the HR on-boarding sort of stuff for the school district. I binged Veronica Mars, The Great British Baking Show, watched more movies than I have in years, and played Red Dead Redemption II. I did a lot of chores. There was a weekend in Bend too, to celebrate our anniversary.

For some that looks like a nice summer vacation. For me it reeks of depression. All that downtime and I only wrote 1700 words? Yikes. I didn’t even apply for the Oregon Literary Arts Fellowship. I couldn’t muster the energy.

But, today I opened my new planner (July 2019-June 2020) and wrote in all my holidays and non-working days (school schedules are whack, y’all), and I’m feeling prepared and dare I say inspired?

Well, not quite inspired. Maybe intrigued. There’s a little simmer of interest bubbling up in me. I don’t know what it will lead to, but I’ll do my best not to smother it.

August Goals

  • Polish Exodus: Descent
  • Continue short story submissions
  • Read one short story a week
  • Finish Whales rough draft
  • Keep reading!

Yep. Those are the goals from last month. They’re good goals. All things I really want to work on. I don’t know how realistic it is to try and do them all the same month I’m starting at a whole new job, but I doubt it could be a worse performance than July. It’s worth striving for.

That optimism alone is refreshing. I just may be on an upswing, Bloggos.

I’d really like to get back into hiking as well this month. July was just such an oddly social, yet so very shut in month. It was all contradictions and self-guilt and escapism. I’m ready to leave that all behind and get back to work.

I’ll be back around with either a reading recap or a book review or something tomorrow.

Until then, Blogland.

 

 

Goals Summary 2019 – Wk #24

This week felt really long, Bloggos. And not in the best way. I got some pretty bad (and unexpected) news on Friday, and while I spent the weekend recuperating (I replayed Detroit Become Human ALL DAY Saturday) it’s safe to stay I’m still reeling a bit.

Last Week

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Polish In Great Need of Ghosts
  • Work on something fun!

How’d I do?

  • Publish two blog posts
    • Yarp. You can read my review of Knight’s Shadow now!
  • Polish In Great Need of Ghosts
    • Nope. Still waiting on some feedback and giving the story some distance.
  • Work on something fun!
    • Yes! I wrote some tumblr prompts and worked a tiny bit on my giant fanfic series. It felt really good to come back to it after all this time.

Weekly Word Count: 1,178

I’m a little distracted today. I have a phone interview for a job I really want, and I’m trying to distract myself with writing this post. It isn’t really working. I read things, wrote some things, and played video games. That’s it.

Next.

What’s Next?

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Revise In Great Need of Ghosts
  • Work on something fun!

I think a week off is enough for me to return to this story with fresh eyes and try to iron out what the hell is wrong with it. The problem is that I like a lot of the story, so the problem areas aren’t super clear. That’s why I’ve been waiting for feedback. Maybe new eyes can enlighten me.

Sorry for the brief post. It’s really all I can manage at the moment. I’ll be back later this week, one way or another.

 

BZ

Goals Summary 2019 – Wk #20

Hey Bloggos,

Last Week

  • Enjoy a week off

Weekly Word Count: 0

Last week felt long. Like, really really long. I had so. much. time! I played video games, went to see Snow Patrol, cleaned the house, played more video games. We beat Overcooked and started on the DLC. I tried to catch up on my reading. It was nice, but I was also very restless. I didn’t feel like I ever really relaxed, until I crossed over the Cascades and started my hiking weekend.

We started with a breakfast in Sisters then drove through Bend and to the Newberry Volcano National Monument, where we explored a Lava Tube Cave. I’d never been in a cave before, and having just read The Luminous Dead, I was understandably nervous. Turns out, it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever done.

If you ever have the opportunity to see a cave, you absolutely should. It was an amazing experience, an all new sensation for me that has left me feeling inspired and in awe.

After that was lunch in Bend at a restaurant called Spork, where I ate Lomo Saltado and could have died with joy. We’ve made Lomo Saltado in my house a few times and it’s definitely a household favorite and comfort food. But I’ve never had “real” Lomo Saltado. Turns out, ours is pretty dang close and it’s all delicious. Then we went to Prineville to meet our friend and get settled at her place for the night. We ordered pizza and watched the new What We Do in the Shadows tv show. what we do in the shadowsWe binged all eight episodes over the weekend and I am obsessed with it. I can’t wait to share it with Trevor. If you liked the movie, I’m here to tell you that the show is even better.

The next morning was the big day: The Painted Hills! It’s something I’ve always wanted to see, a natural wonder that I honestly forgot was in Oregon. I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about my passion for geology here, but I’m a bit of a rock nerd. And this weekend my rock nerd was a kid in a candy shop!painted hills 2

It was supposed to rain, but instead it was sunny and I was a dummy in a tank top getting a sweet, sweet sunburn. But I’m not even mad. It was a beautiful day in a beautiful place; I’ll take a little pain for it.

We had lunch in one of the tiniest towns I’ve ever seen, called Mitchell, where there were three cafés, a feed store, a grocery story, and one brewery. It was adorable in a very dusty, hard-working, Old West kind of way. It reminded me of home and going to the feed store with my papa. It reminded me that I do have love in my heart for the desert. It made me want to take a hiking trip back home. Maybe next spring?

And then I came home last night and had a great evening in, playing games and making food with the husbando, preparing for the week ahead. Overall, it was a relaxing and productive week in its own right. I’m glad I made myself take a break.

What’s Next?

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Start a new short story
  • Read Madhu’s pages
  • Finish reading Beneath a Sugar Sky

I’m going into this week feeling a little lost at sea. I’m not sure where to start, but I do feel like I have the energy and focus to work on something. It’s just a matter of figuring out what that project will be. I have a couple ideas, but we’ll see where the week goes.

Madhu and I exchanged pages before I left for the weekend. She’s already read mine and replied, and since we have a Walk ‘n’ Talk™ scheduled for Thursday afternoon I need to read hers soon. beneath a sugar sky

I’m on track to finish Beneath a Sugar Sky either tonight or tomorrow and would really like to read All Systems Red before the week is out as well. We’ll see how that goes depending on how much time I spend writing this week. Since I want to revisit Exodus: Descent for revisions this summer, reading all these novellas will prove quite useful.

Submissions are still out. I’m beginning to hear the Jeopardy! theme whenever I have a quiet moment and the dread starts to build. I should hear back on at least one story either this week or the next. Fingers crossed.

I don’t have any book reviews primed for this week, mainly because I’m reading novellas and short stories right now. But, I do want to share my thoughts on the drafting process of this book, so might do a sort of recap talking about the experience. Either way, I’ll come back later this week with something to share.

Until then, Bloggarts,

 

BZ

The Recap – February 2019

February, as per usual, came and went without hardly pausing to say hello. It’s always a mercurial month here in Oregon, bringing rain, snow, ice, and sunshine in unpredictable turns. You learn to take a coat with you everywhere pretty quick in the Pacific Northwest. And maybe gloves, if you’ve got the nice water resistant kind.

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The Homestead looking Wondrously Wintry.

February Goals

  • Write 8k on Tavi
  • Continue short story submissions
  • Write 1k on Sanctuary
  • Keep reading!

How’d I Do?

  • Write 8k on Tavi
    • Nope. I wrote a total of 3,628 words on the novel this month. Much less than I wanted, but I’m not wholly unhappy with it.
  • Continue short story submissions
    • Sure did. The stories sat in queue for the majority of the month. I’m still waiting to hear about two of them, though That Which Illuminates Heaven received a rejection yesterday. It went out to the next market before I sat down to write this.
  • Write 1k on Sanctuary
    • Narp. Not even a little bit. I think I read a little bit of Sanctuary, but that’s it.
  • Keep reading!
    • Yes! I read five titles this month, which is a little insane when I think about it. It’s the shortest month of the year, but I put the time to good use, despite my Anthem addiction.

Total Monthly Word Count: 8,273

I wrote about 4500 words for a Valentine’s Day fanfic exchange. Not pertinent to my goals, but still incredibly fun and it allowed me to flex my writing muscles a little as I explored a very complex character from the Mass Effect universe. I’m pretty proud of how it turned out, and I wrote it in two days, so I’m not going to feel bad about it.

Anthem continues to be absolutely addicting, but I’m almost done with the main story and so my time spent playing should slow a bit soon. Another hurdle to this month was a head cold that walloped me this week. This whole working-two-jobs thing has left me tired and vulnerable to illness and stress, which really puts a damper on my personal and writing goals.

My reading is progressing nicely, though I’m barely keeping up with the Reading Challenge goal I set for myself. This may be the first year I don’t reach my goal, but I love the challenge! Which is the whole point, so yeah.

What else happened in February? I attended an author event at the library, spent way too much time on twitter, and rollercoastered along my work weeks with more emotions than I knew what to do with. I won’t be able to do this for much longer. I need to find a better solution to the library’s unreliable hours.

But, that’s a conversation for another day. For now, let’s talk about what’s to come. Let’s talk about MARCH!

March Goals

  • Write 500 words/day on Tavi
  • Read one short story/day
  • Continue short story submissions
  • Keep reading!

Here’s the deal. I love video games, but they are HIGHLY addictive for me. I get trapped in them for months. In the case of Dragon Age, sometimes even years. I cannot let that happen with Anthem; I have too much that needs to get done. I need to get this habit under control and set firm boundaries. Which is something I am good at. So, here goes:

I CANNOT PLAY ANTHEM UNTIL THE FOLLOWING HAS OCCURRED:

  1. I have written at least 500 words on my novel
  2. I have read one (1) short story

This is a deal I’ve made with myself. I’ve thought on it a bit and I think it’s not only doable, but necessary. This is a contract, a binding agreement between my gamer self and my writer self. The gamer self will recede to the background until the above is completed, at which point the writer self will cease guilting the gamer self and allow unshackled joy to commence.

That’s the rule. So it is written, shared on social media, and so it will be done.

Why short stories you ask? Well, I’m writing a Library Picks column about Speculative Fiction Anthologies, and I want to at least be able to recommend a story or two out of each one. Plus, I like short stories. I like writing them and reading them, and I’ve been neglecting that part of the market for too long. So I’m taking inspiration from Sam J. Miller, who is reading a short story a day in 2019, and reading a story a day in March.  I am a little worried that this might impact my reading goal for the year, but I still have some titles queued up and waiting, and with travel plans in March I should have some extra reading time.

As always, the short story submissions continue until something sticks. I had a moment at the beginning of the month where I began to feel claustrophobic about the whole process. You know, that feeling where the stress churns in your chest and you’re compelled to pace the room or fiddle with your hair or your nails just can’t seem to avoid the magnetic pull of your teeth. Or some combination of all three. That was me on February first.

wasteland babyToday I’m listening to the new Hozier album, the snow has almost all been washed away by a steady drizzle, and my head cold seems to be on its way out. I feel alert and peaceful, with a mug of hot coffee and the promise of some breakfast after this. February was a big breath that stemmed the tide of burnout, and no I’m ready to move on and get some work done.

I’m sure I’ll have some more ups and downs this month, that I’ll find something new to stress about in the weeks to come. But right now? Right now I am chill as fuck. And I’m going to ride that feeling for as long as I can.

I’ll be back tomorrow with the book review for Lies Sleeping, and then next week will have the usual Goals Summary and the Reading Round Up for February.

Until then, Bloggarts.

 

BZ

 

Goals Summary 2019 – Wk #8

It’s a snowy day here in Salem. Well, as snowy as the Willamette Valley ever gets. There’s little flurries in the air, and while the roads and sidewalks are clear, there’s a gentle dusting of white on all the trees and rooftops. Days like this, I really appreciate the change of pace from the Sonoran Desert, although it’s seen some snow too over the last few days.

Last Week

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Finish Tavi chapter 12
  • Write one tumblr prompt

How’d I do?

  • Publish two blog posts
    • Nope. Sorry about that.
  • Finish Tavi chapter 12
    • Yes! More on that in a second.
  • Write one tumblr prompt
    • Nope. Not even a little bit.

Weekly Word Count: 2,567

This week went by super fast. Like, I’m sitting here trying to remember what the hell I did all week, and honestly, I have no idea… Oh yeah! Tuesday night I went the monthly Salem chapter of Willamette Writers meeting and listened to Sage Cohen speak. She’s written a few books, but I’ve only read The Productive Writer, which I really enjoyed. Her talk was good, and came with a little mini-workbook, which was fun.

But, the best part was that it led to my breakthrough with The Chapter™. If you’ve been around the blog lately, you know that I’ve been struggling with this one scene, and how this chapter just seemed listless. Well, I finally got through it, and even started the next chapter! So, HUZZAH!

I read a bit, getting about halfway through Lies Sleeping, and went to trivia on Thursday night, where my dance-off skills won my team 2nd Place, and then had a mug club event at our favorite brewery.

And then Anthem came out and all productivity ceased.

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You could say I’m a little obsessed.

I’m having a really great time with the game so far, exploring ruins, finding lost treasures and ancient history, and shooting ALL the things!

I can already tell I’ll need to enact some rules around the game, otherwise nothing else will get done. But, I’m willing to give myself the remainder of February to get it out of my system.

In other news, all three short stories are still out, patiently awaiting news. Anthem helps me forget that I have pending submissions, which is a nice change from my constant fretting.

What’s Next?

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Finish Tavi chapter 13
  • Finish reading Lies Sleepinglies sleeping

That’s about 2500 words to write this week, and about 150 pages to read. I think I can do it, if I can unplug from Anthem long enough. Real talk? That’s a big if.

Regardless, I’ll be back on Friday for the Monthly Recap, so keep an eye out for that. There might be a book review if I can buckle down and focus on the Peter Grant book for a couple of days.

I have some big plans for March and I can’t wait to share them with you! But first I have to get some quality work done in the next few days.

Talk soon, Bloggos.

 

BZ

Goals Summary 2019 – Wk #7

Hey Blogland,

Yet another week has passed us by, with absolutely no regard for my feelings on the matter. As usual. Damn inconsiderate of it, really.

Last Week

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Write 3k on Tavi
  • Work on something Santa Sarita related

How’d I do?

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Write 3k on Tavi
    • Nope.
  • Work on something Santa Sarita related
    • Nope.

Weekly Word Count: 4,492

That’s an awful lot of words for no progress on either of my projects, so what gives? Well, back in December I signed up for a Valentine’s exchange in my Writer’s Discord, where we would basically be a secret admirer for another writer the week of Valentine’s Day and celebrate by creating content for them and generally making them feel loved. I ended up writing a Mass Effect oneshot (fandom speak for short story) in two days. I’m actually pretty proud of how it turned out.

Honestly, I think I needed the break. I’ve been pretty stuck with Tavi this month, and feeling pretty down due to the lack of writing. Busting out this story in such a short time and liking it as much as I did was a big ego boost. I needed it.

Between that, a bit of reading, and lots of working hours, that was my week in a nutshell.

What’s Next?

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Finish Tavi chapter 12
  • Write one tumblr prompt

Given my rocky, stumbling steps this month, keeping things simple and straightforward is really all I can do. As of this moment I’m feeling upbeat and hopeful. I’m reading, I wrote a bit last week, and I finally have some clue where the heck this scene of the novel is headed. Add some caffeine and sprinkle in a playlist or two and that should be a recipe for success.

But, Anthem releases on Friday. I have zero expectations after that. This is the first new IP from Bioware since… Dragon Age? That was 2009 y’all. It’s been TEN YEARS since Bioware made something completely brand new. And it’s beautiful, and the hype is so so so real. I’m warning you now, I am going to go silent for a while and that’s okay. I’ve planned for this.

plan gif

So. Yeah. Reading, writing, and video games. That’s the week ahead. Hopefully in that order. If so, I’ll be back later this week with a review of Lies Sleeping.

Until then, Bloggos,

 

BZ

Goals Summary 2019 – Wk #5

Well, last week did not go as planned, at all.

Last Week

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Write 1,500 words on Tavi
  • Write something Santa Sarita related

How’d I Do?

  • Publish two blog posts
    • Yes! Actually, I published three blog posts. So there!
  • Write 1,500 words on Tavi
    • Nope. Not even a little bit.
  • Write something Santa Sarita related
    • Nuh-uh.

Weekly Word Count: 0

What the heck did I do last week? I worked 52 hours and did the only thing that sounded the least bit of interest to me: played video games. Between Kingdom Hearts and the Anthem demo, my limited free time was booked solid. And I am okay with that. I knew going into this month that 12k was a stretch, and that video game releases would prove problematic.

Submissions continue to continue. I was a little down about this yesterday when I wrote my Monthly Recap for January, but I know there’s still a big mountain to climb in this regard. I’ll keep going until there’s nowhere left to submit. That’s the plan.

What’s Next

  • Publish two blog posts
  • Write 2k words on Tavi
  • Write something Santa Sarita related

That’s it. I’m keeping things low key in hopes I can climb back out of this little funk and get back on track. But, I’m also unwilling to guilt myself for decompressing with things I enjoy, like video games. I’m working a lot, and I want/need to make progress on this novel. And I also need to stay sane. Sometimes, escaping into a good video game is the only thing that helps.

I’m still reading, slowly. I’m still writing. I’m still posting here. The world is not crumbling around me, no matter what my brain says. I’m here, I’m only a little bit behind schedule. Nothing is beyond the point of no return.

Breathe.

… Better?

Talk soon, Bloggos.

 

BZ

The Recap – January 2019

Hey Bloggos,

January felt long. And yet, it went by entirely too fast for my liking. I feel like I spent too much time sleeping or otherwise recuperating from all the work hours I put in, and not nearly enough time on writing. I’m sensing a trend for 2019 already.

January Goals

  • Write 12k words on Tavi
  • Write 1k on Sanctuary
  • Continue short story submissions
  • Keep reading!

How’d I do?

  • Write 12k words on Tavi
    • No. Which, wasn’t entirely unexpected. I did get pretty close, just under 1500 words short of the goal. I’ll take it.
  • Write 1k on Sanctuary
    • Yes! I also wrote a tumblr prompt or two.
  • Continue short story submissions
    • Yep. On and on and on.
  • Keep reading!

Total Monthly Word Count: 12,552

This was a busy month. Lots of writing, a lot more reading than I expected, and more time spent playing video games that I SHOULD have expected. I’m trying my best in all areas of my life, which is exhausting. So, sometimes that means a weekend of video games, or a week of no writing. It’s going to happen, because my mental health is going to make demands. And the less I fight it, the better I’ll feel and the quicker I’ll get back to work.

Writing went well until it didn’t. I’ve spent a week away from it now, and think I’m just about ready to figure out this scene. Tavi’s been working this way so far, in a whirlwind and then stalled. I let the scene marinate, until she calls me back and I can work on it again. It’s a different rhythm, but I trust it. It’s led me to more than 35k words so far.

Reading continues, slowly but surely. I’m not feeling particularly drawn to anything, so I’m trying to get through the Firefly novel in my down time. big damn hero.jpg

The short story submissions continue. I had 7 rejections in January. Seven. That stings. I’ve never looked at the number of rejections in a single month before, and I don’t think I want to again. Ouch. That’s a third of what I had all of 2018!

And yet, they continue. As Utada said, “On and On and On”.

February Goals

  • Write 8k on Tavi
  • Continue short story submissions
  • Write 1k on Sanctuary
  • Keep reading!

So yeah. That’s the plan. Write a bit, give myself permission to relax, and schedule in gaming time. I knew going into this year that Kingdom Hearts and Anthem were going to take their toll on my free time, and they already have. I need to schedule that in if I hope to get this manuscript done before the summer.

And that is still the plan. I want to finish the rough draft in April so that I have May and June to revise it before the writing workshop in July. Granted, I only get to go if I’m awarded a scholarship, but it’s WAY better to have a prepped MS and not get to go than arrive with nothing to share.

Writing 8k on Tavi doesn’t seem like enough, and it isn’t, but I think it’s a big ask for the shortest month of the year. We’ll see how it goes.

See y’all tomorrow to talk about this past week!

 

BZ

When You’re Stuck in Limbo

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m a Type A personality. I make, live, and die by my lists. I have a whiteboard that tells me what to do each week and a planner that basically runs my life. And yes, they’re color-coded and require a legend for anyone who might take a gander at them.

But what happens when life doesn’t stick to the plan? Or worse yet, what if there is no plan, because there are too many variables?

That’s me right now. I’m standing on that little island of concrete in the roundabout wondering where the hell I’m supposed to go. I’m suffocating in opportunity, worried that once I do make a decision, it might be the wrong one.

So, I’m standing still and somehow edging ever closer to burnout. I can’t stay here forever, but I can’t decide what to do yet. I don’t have all the facts. And I know there’s a looming leap of faith, but I’ve never been very good at those.

On one hand I want to take the leap, I crave the risk and the adventure. But on the other, I don’t want to sacrifice the comfort and stability I’ve built over these years. But then, aren’t I just doing the safe thing? Nothing risked, nothing gained and all that.

So my mind just turns over and over and over again, chasing ideas and hopes and fears until I’m dizzy. What if, what if, what if, whatifwhatifwhatif. But there’s nothing to do, no way to alleviate these frantic thoughts, until after March. I’ll know then and the path will be clear, then I can pour all this frenetic energy into whatever course I’ve chosen.

But that’s still a month and half away. I need a distraction, and most days the novel is enough, but yesterday I hit a bit of a wall with it. Nothing major, nothing insurmountable. But I needed the distraction and it wasn’t enough. With the launch of both Kingdom Hearts III and Anthem just around the corner, hopefully I can sink some hours into those and find a little relief.

Escapism at its finest.