The Lie We Tell Ourselves

Hey. Long time, no see.

Let’s just say that the wedding has finally made itself known. I’m emailing caterers, booking appointments for all kinds of things, and with frappuccino happy hour at work, I don’t really have time to breathe. And my silence here is a symptom of the silence on my computer. I haven’t written a word for the novel in two weeks now, nor have I edited a single page. It makes my stomach all knotted. I hate it. And it shows in my attitude. It’s like when you’re really hungry and so you’re extra irritable, except I do that with writing.

Don’t get me wrong, I get Hangry too, but the writing version is worse because it’s subtle.

It’s not just an irritability. It’s a total fraying of the nerves. I handle stress much more poorly. I cry more, and I do get angry more easily. It gets to where Trevor starts to hint, “maybe you should do some writing, babe.” Which then makes me angry, because I obviously know I should be writing, I just don’t have time!

Ah-ha…

The writer’s excuse. We all know it. We’ve all dealt with it. And we all see it for what it really is. A lie.

My ideal schedule of closing and writing the four or five hours before my shift is no longer mine. I’ve been opening and working days, and so I go straight home, and usually to sleep or to make dinner. I haven’t adjusted and made time for my writing, and I feel incredibly guilty for it. I’m still going to try and get some work done today though. I have the time and the scene has been percolating now for a while. It’s ready.

But, what’s my plan going forward?

Well, we’re moving in about two weeks. We’ll be getting rid of this bulky desk I’ve had since my childhood, and using a more streamlined piece. A small one to fit in our smaller apartment, and with less desk space so we can cut down on clutter. But, we’re also going to get a dining room table, and I think that’s where I’ll make my base. I need to train myself to work at home, that Starbucks is not synonymous with writing. At least not solely. That way, time spent home alone can be productive time too.

It’s a tentative plan, so don’t judge me if it fails!

I hope to see you soon, blogland.

 

BZ

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