The Reinvention

Another one of those nights. Alarm set for 6:15am, still awake come 1:30. And there’s no sight of sleep.

Trevor’s out hard. Snoring and all the rest. It’s for the best. I handle lack of sleep way better than he does. So while he snores and laughs at some amusing dream, I lie awake, brain bouncing from inane topic to inane topic.

For instance, I want to cut my hair. Something drastic, with red streaks. Something that hints at the rocker chick I remember being. And from there I think about the cartilage piercing I’m getting for my birthday, and the tattoos I want to give myself for Christmas. I’m imagining my rebirth, in full blown technicolor, all at the cost of my functionality come tomorrow.

Sorry in advance, Boss.

But, even as I’m typing I can feel a subtle relaxation creeping up my shoulder blades. AFI plays in my headphones, respectful of Trevor’s slumber, and I’m excited. We had a bizarre weekend, full of “important” talks, and soul searching. And ultimately I decided that the relationship had nothing to do with the boredom I felt. It had nothing to do with how unhappy I was with myself. I’m not sure if I thought he wouldn’t like me if I changed. Like he wouldn’t love me anymore if I had some crazy asymmetrical haircut and started wearing makeup.

Sometimes I’m just stupid.

When we first started dating I had a pixie cut. Fire engine red streak on top and black on the sides. It was awesome. And while I’m sure his mother hated it, I loved it. I still love it when I look back at the photos. Now, I don’t think Starbucks would appreciate the do, so I’ve come up with something equally thrilling, while easily disguise-able.

So, I want a new haircut. I want my cartilage pierced. I’m getting more tattoos. I’m actively experimenting with makeup. I want to stop biting my nails. I want to pay attention to what I eat, and try to put a cap on my red meat intake. I want to go to the gym. That one still makes me laugh a bit, but I’m hoping it will come with time. I want to have my eyebrows waxed. I’ve only ever had it done once, and I remember it hurt like the dickens, but it would be worth doing again.

I feel like the last few years I’ve ignored myself. Not internally. I generally feel good about who I am on the inside. I like her. But, I tend to hide her from the world behind this fashion hopeless tomboy, with the long beautiful hair that she does nothing with.

I want my outsides to reflect the inside. The girl who can hold her own in a Korn moshpit. Who loses her voice at concerts, and curses like a sailor. Who drinks beer with the guys and can beat most of them at Call of Duty.

…OK. That last one was a bit of an exaggeration. But, Mass Effect 3? Bring it!

So, my dad will cover his shock when he sees the new haircut, but generally say nice things. And Trevor’s mom might die of shock, but I want to be a little shocking. Take people off guard, just a little.

I’ve even been considering Lasek eye surgery! I have the astigmatism from hell, which denies me the option of contacts. So, I’m a glasses girl, and I’m good with that. But, if I could be without them? Have my face back? And wear sunglasses that didn’t cost me $300 or more because they have to be prescription? That would be AWESOME!

So, the list so far:

  • New Hair do
  • Stop biting nails
  • eat better
  • gym…?
  • Teeth whitening
  • Possible eye surgery
  • makeup experimentation
  • tattoos and ear piercings
  • eyebrow wax

Now, I know what some reading this will think. That I should be happy with who I am. And I agree. But, the person I am today is the result of past decisions, or the lack thereof.  And, they’re all reasonable fixes. I SHOULD eat better, and I SHOULD go to the gym. I’m going to get tattoos and piercings regardless. I’ve always wanted to stop biting my nails, but have lacked the discipline. I love makeup, but have been too intimidated to figure it out. Teeth whitening would just be nice, and give me a confidence boost. Eye surgery…. I’ll admit, that one probably won’t happen. Mostly because I don’t have the funds, and it’s not necessary. But, I think it’s worth looking into, and if I find it’s something I really want, a reasonable goal to strive for.

Most people make lists like this around the new year, but that always seems like a special brand of sabotage. I feel motivated to take control of myself. I am an independent person, capable of making my own decisions in all of these areas. I want to truly express myself. For people to see me and recognize some key things about me. Right now people are always startled to find that I listen to music like System of a Down or AFI. I once had a guy flip out because I was singing an Incubus song. He’d assumed I was a Celine Dion girl.

Fucking gack,,,

No offense to Celine fans. She’s just not my bag.

And that’s what I’m talking about. I don’t want people to be shocked to discover things that I feel are pretty crucial to how I identify myself. Not everyone will get this, but music, books, and tattoos were all key factors in my upbringing. But at first glance, none of those are evident in my outward appearance. And I’m just bored with myself.

A favorite teacher of mine once told me, “only the boring get bored.”

That saying haunts me. I don’t want to be bored, or boring. And so I constantly seek something to keep my wheels spinning. Whether it’s a new book, video game or TV show, or some new hobby. I have a short attention span, so I have to change pace quite frequently, or I will get bored. So you see my dilemma.

I keep telling myself to wait on the haircut, just to be sure. But, it’s haunting me. Every spare thought is filled with how exciting it would be. Something so different from what everyone in this town has come to associate with me. I imagine all my regulars and the shock on their faces. I imagine my coworkers, and the comments I’ll get. And I imagine my mom, dad, grandma, and Trevor’s family. I love it.

My mom will like it. She’s awesome like that. For that matter, so’s my grandma.

I really think I’m going to do it. But, I will try to wait until I’ve bought and shipped my siblings’ Christmas presents. There have to be some priorities, after all.

So, let’s shoot for just after Thanksgiving. That’s my plan. Probably get the eyebrows done around then too. My birthday’s December 4th, so the cartilage is somewhere around there, and then tattoo for Christmas-ish.

Three and half hours to wake up call. Still not feeling tired, but not as wound up as before, either. I might be able to fall asleep. Maybe. I’d pull an all-nighter, but that’s just not realistic when the shift isn’t until 7:15, and it’s an 8 hour one. That’s just crazy. Now, if I were opening, sure! That’d be doable.

I guess I should go. I should at least try and sleep.

 

BZ

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